Life, liberty, and the pursuit of something whatever oh who am I kidding GODDAMMIT.
There is nothing that makes me want to curl up and die more than the feeling of having a crush on someone and not knowing whether or not he (in my case, he) feels even an inkling of the same tingly inside butterflies as I do.
I’ve “known” this guy for a little under a full year now. I didn’t start to notice him in a “hey you’re kinda cute” way until a couple months ago, and ever since then this attraction to him has been building, and the more I learn about him, the more attracted I am. Until very recently, he didn’t know my name or who I was (in the most basic sense), but now he knows some of that. Progress?
And now I’m trying to reach out to him, and to say it’s a frustrating process is an understatement. He’s only around me for certain kinds of events, and our social circles, so to speak, don’t really interact that much outside of those certain events. Hell, they don’t interact that much even inside those certain events.
But I do know that I have to stop myself from looking at him, and when our eyes meet I turn away and try to hide the coloring on my cheeks, and the more I try not to think about him (look at anyone else look at anyone else) or try to focus my attention on someone else, or no one else, I still can’t shake him.
It’s not that I’m in love with him. Lordie, that’d be too much. It’s more that I know enough about him to want to learn more, and that I think what he’s interested in is really cool and meaningful. I know it all sounds incredibly vague, but whatever, if I put things into concrete terms then that’s just another attachment I can’t really afford, or want, to have.
Because he’s only around for the summer, and then he’s out of my life forever, pretty much. If I want him to be. If I don’t reach out to him now.
I’m trying, I really am. Well, in the only way I can that’s socially acceptable. I’ve been considering asking a mutual friend for his number, but that’s not really how it works if I want to be taken seriously, is it? And I do want to be taken seriously, because the last time I crushed on a guy this hard and actually thought it could work out, it did. Until things went to shit, but that was over a year after the fact.
And the fact is, I’ve lost a lot of time by sitting on my hands and being scared of what could happen if I didn’t try to at least do SOMETHING instead of wringing my hands and thinking what if what if what if because no, that’s happened too many times, I actually might have a chance with this guy if I really put my mind to it.
So I sent out a feeler and it came back, and then I sent one out again, and nothing.
And now I am going mad. Okay, not mad, but my heart feels like it’s beating in double time and there’s a knot in the pit of my stomach that refuses to unravel and I want to bury my head in the ground and banish all thoughts of what if he doesn’t respond, what if what if what if
and there’s no way to make it better.