Round and round it goes, like a grinning horse affixed to the endless whirl of a merry-go-round.
Breathe. Long sigh. I have a final in about 9 hours, and I’d say I’ve been studying for it diligently, but my paused “House of Cards” episode says otherwise.
Oh well. It’s an essay question (the final, not the show), so I think I’ll be alright. Anyway, onto business.
I have a bad habit of not presenting myself seriously. I say it’s a bad habit, even though it garners me mixed results: sometimes people see through it and get that, at heart, I construct and deconstruct my personality as I see fit, and as such learn to embrace whatever it is I’m throwing out there at the time; sometimes people don’t see through it, and they think I’m stupid or vapid or uppity or just plain mean.
That’s not to say that I can’t/won’t be any of those things at any given moment, but that I’m not a very upfront person, so unless you really know me, my guard will be up. It’s just what I do. That’s why I have so much reverence for figures like Joan Didion and Daft Punk and Alice Glass—they do what they do, and they’re damn good at what they do, but they don’t draw attention to themselves the way, say, Kanye West (in his Kanye Best) does.
Which isn’t to say that people who do have big, outgoing personalities aren’t good people. Sigh. I’m bogging myself down again, thinking about all of the exceptions to the rules. Sometimes, rules are there for a reason.
That said, to borrow from design parlance, it’s so much fun to break the grid.
Anyway, I have this Tumblr (no, I’m not sharing it), and on it I basically post/share/comment on literally anything. While Facebook is for keeping up with actual friends, Twitter is for keeping up with news/non-friend public figures, Pinterest is for filtering and cataloguing the things I’d normally bookmark, and WordPress is for recounting my full-formed (supposedly) thoughts, Tumblr is my curation zone, where I let all of my various fandoms and interests and tastes collide into a spectacularly unorganized melange.
When people follow me, I don’t know what they’re following me for, but I’ve long since learned that the specifically-focused Tumblr life just ain’t for me, so I’ll post whatever and if I lose and gain followers along the way, so be it.
The tricky part is when people I know in real life follow me on Tumblr.
Scratch that, revise. The bewildering part is when people I know in real life follow me on Tumblr, then unfollow me.
Okay, so maybe they’re just not into what I’m posting. That’s cool. But I follow people I know IRL on Tumblr even though I’m not always jiving with what they’re posting. The dash, as with any feed-type info aggregator, is something you can scroll through, and if you don’t like something, onto the next thing, no? I follow this one girl who occasionally posts porn. But, I like enough of the other stuff that she posts/reblogs that I’ll deal with the occasional penis on my dash.
So what are the things I’ve recently reblogged that might’ve offended someone’s tastes? Well, I went to an early screening of “Star Trek: Into Darkness” the other night—
and here I’m going to launch into a brief interlude about that movie. Whoever cast Benedict Cumberbatch is a genius. As the villain (no spoilers here), he exudes this otherworldly grace. There’s one sequence where he’s wearing these long layers, and he’s sporting some huge weaponry, and he’s hurling himself and his weapons around the way that dancers throw their partners, and it was just so beautiful in its dangerous construction. Also, dat voice.
But of course, the heart of any narrative, even (nay, perhaps especially) in a non-reality-based genre like sci-fi or fantasy, has to rest in the actual human (to use that term loosely) bonds between characters, and it’s here that “Into Darkness” excels. From the way Zach Quinto’s Spock quizzically stares at Chris Pine’s (so fine) Kirk when the latter says “I’ll miss you,” to the way that girl crush 5ever Zoe Saldana’s Uhura so deftly rages at the former during their own scenes together… man oh man. Also, there’s a moment of pure bromance in the film that’s just so fandom (to the tune of “That’s So Raven,” naturally), but in the “RIGHT IN THE FEELS” way, not the “This was so terrible that we will parody it over and over” way. Aaand interlude over.
—so I reblogged some of that stuff, and then I always post music so there was some of that, and I follow a lot (no really, a lot) of illustrators on Tumblr so I always reblog illustrations and art installations and clever .gifs and the like,
so in many ways, I have a normal Tumblr.
And someone I know followed me, then unfollowed me, during the course of one day.
As someone who doesn’t try to cater to individual people, okay, whatever.
As someone who is a rational human being, it is entirely possible that Internet!me is just too much to handle.
As someone who actually likes the person in question, all I want to do is inquire “Did your perception of me somehow change when you glimpsed into my inner Internet psyche???”
If you’ve ever been in school, you’ll know the phrase “There are no stupid questions.” That said, I recognize that my question is kind of stupid.
I also recognize that the person I’m writing about is totally connected to me on the Facebook (re: “the Facebook” – I picked it up from “The Social Network” and now I can’t shake it; blame Fincher, Sorkin & co. for my asshole vernacular), so if you’re reading this… Hi? I swear I’m not crazy; I just don’t understand?
It doesn’t help that
I am staring into the grinning mouth of a carousel steed, and I’m not sure whether what I’m seeing is a gift or a goodbye.
Metaphors are difficult.
(Image: Roomhate by Sam Schechter)